How does a person get through the big things? I seem to be stuck motionless; unless it is absolutely necessary to move. There are just so many “big things” in my life right now. Dad being ill and it being much worse than first thought, and they are passing the “cancer” word around like candy on Halloween. When they are not absolutely sure of that yet.
This is not something I can fix or work harder to make better. Having fought my way through most of my life I have nothing to fight. There is simply nothing I can do. I don’t even know how to deal with this such a prognosis. How do I deal with it not to mention how do I explain it to my kids? If even I cannot move through it how can I help them continue to move forward?
This is much worse than finding out my back cannot be fixed. That was difficult and I have dealt with it. I stumbled through a depression that followed. Yet, I have come to terms with the simple fact I will have good days and really bad days that will keep me immoble. Even when I continue to fight through the pain and depression that it brings; life will still land a great right hook that flies straight to my heart.
Yet, at this moment I find myself immobile. Cancer. My Dad. My Hero. My forever active joking dad. My hard to please and demanding father. My friend who even in the hard spots has loved me. I still have trouble even thinking of him as old. I would suppose to many children not matter their age, don’t consider their parents as old. Oh they are always aging but a child (at least I) have never considered them old. They are and that truth although it stung, was digested about a year ago.
So maybe, it’s not just the large possibility of cancer. Maybe, I just have a hard time with change. You would think at my age change would be a part of life. Change in itself is neither evil nor good; it simply is. Change is continuously in motion thorough out our lives; yet, there are changes that slip in without notice while others come with fireworks and bang around for you complete attention.
Aging is a slipping in change; Cancer is a big bang kinda thing. Even so change alone is not for or against me personally, it just is. So how does one adjust and modify their life to make acceptance of change smoother? I will continue to pray and seek wise council and maybe with a baby step at a time I will move past the big things;simply so I can get back enjoying the little things. In such a big world that rushes by like a waterfall, baby steps are the best way to begin a life changing journey. Instead of running past the troubles of life trying to escape the horrors. A slower pace is required to learn, accept, live, love, and laugh.