Change is in Continous Motion (or the Big Bang in My Life ATM)

How does a person get through the big things? I seem to be stuck motionless; unless it is absolutely necessary to move. There are just so many “big things” in my life right now. Dad being ill and it being much worse than first thought, and they are passing the “cancer” word around like candy on Halloween. When they are not absolutely sure of that yet.

This is not something I can fix or work harder to make better. Having fought my way through most of my life I have nothing to fight. There is simply nothing I can do. I don’t even know how to deal with this such a prognosis. How do I deal with it not to mention how do I explain it to my kids? If even I cannot move through it how can I help them continue to move forward?

This is much worse than finding out my back cannot be fixed. That was difficult and I have dealt with it. I stumbled through a depression that followed. Yet, I have come to terms with the simple fact I will have good days and really bad days that will keep me immoble. Even when I continue to fight through the pain and depression that it brings; life will still land a great right hook that flies straight to my heart.

Yet, at this moment I find myself immobile. Cancer. My Dad. My Hero. My forever active joking dad. My hard to please and demanding father. My friend who even in the hard spots has loved me. I still have trouble even thinking of him as old. I would suppose to many children not matter their age, don’t consider their parents as old. Oh they are always aging but a child (at least I) have never considered them old. They are and that truth  although it stung, was digested about a year ago.

So maybe, it’s not just the large possibility of cancer. Maybe, I just have a hard time with change. You would think at my age change would be a part of life. Change in itself is neither evil nor good; it simply is. Change is continuously in motion thorough out our lives; yet, there are changes that slip in without notice while others come with fireworks and bang around for you complete attention.

Aging is a slipping in change; Cancer is a big bang kinda thing. Even so change alone is not for or against me personally, it just is. So how does one adjust and modify their life to make acceptance of change smoother? I will continue to pray and seek wise council and maybe with a  baby step at a time I will move past the big things;simply so I can get back enjoying the little things. In such a big world that rushes by like a waterfall, baby steps are the best way to begin a life changing journey. Instead of running past the troubles of life trying to escape the horrors. A slower pace is required to learn, accept, live, love, and laugh.

Rage Against Babylon

As I compose my thoughts over the past events of the couple of days; my mind churns through all the parts as one dissecting and separating as it goes. The Babylon that we live within has had its effect on many and there are few who understand this concept. So though I speak solid truth I also fear they believe me speaking in riddles. To some extent this would be a correct assumption. I do not feel the need to explain my thoughts much beyond that I am taking a Daniel Bible Study therefore go look it up. Oh how I wish they would muster to the call of our Lord, and find themselves armed within his armor and hold the sword given us by our choice to follow HIM. Funny how some things just have that effect on people. I call out now before leaving my house “Where is my sword?” Then promptly grab it as I would a coat to cover me from the cold. Although I do not battle as one would with a gun or even in a nice round of fisticuffs I have my sword and can battle down the enemy on swift terms if it is the will of God. I find strength in its weight upon my person and so carry it with a confidence I once lacked. I feel HIS strength in its binding and HIS wisdom is freely given to all as was the sacrifice of HIS son. I also find the enemy drawn close within the lines of our own camp and see much clearer now how so many have fallen away from the real truth and what it was meant to be.

Yes, sweet Babylon has all but lulled them into a sleepy captivity and is softly laying her chains about their necks. She is enticing and all the more so for her seductive words and reckless promises of all that is good but her words stop there. Her promises are emptier than the pond during drought and her words however sweet work much like sandpaper to wear away all defenses that we have put up. I myself have fallen many a time into her trap and narrowly although roughly I have survived to fight on and carry the message that lays (patiently for a time) within the bindings of a precious book-The BIBLE. Once captive does not simply mean forever a captive. You and I have a choice and God has the strength to bring us out as survivors of such enslavement.

Consider how and what you watch. Are you so immune to the nudeness in commercials that you simply do not notice the shear cutting they have upon our young. Who may not yet have a way to defend what should not be seen? Do you quake with rage at the immorality and spread of sexual and monetary desires as norm in our culture? Does nothing raise your blood to boiling over what our children are taught in school? Not to mention what is simple accepted as “TRUTH” or right and wrong. For so many centuries things have simply begun to twist in upon themselves especially our own excuses for such bad behavior. We excuse our outright crudeness with well “I’m not hurting any one”. Well you are wrong and so was I!!! The simple lust of it feeling right and powerful in our hands does not make it right. We are hurting others with our actions and our words and especially our excuses!! What was once not acceptable now flashes blatantly from the screens of our monitors and televisions in a show of wonderful “Sin”sations wrapped in a colorful ribbon of “ME FIRST”!

Let’s simply get back to the basics. God is first! There should be no excuses not to come through for HIM. We should not be to busy to put HIM first if we are then cut something off your schedule!!! Your relationship the personal one you are to have with your HOLY FATHER is second. Oh gee you’ll have to give up a game show so you can talk to HIM. Will that really be so bad? Third is a relationship with your spouse. How important are they to you? Do you show them they love acceptance and forgiveness GOD has shown you time and again? If the answer is no then maybe that should be on your to do list. Fourth on that list are your children. Their young impressionable minds are simple sponges and soak up everything from underwear commercials to the ads for bigger better toys not to mention such rude and disrespectful language. Are you training them in the way they are meant to be trained?

If you feel you need help don’t I REPEAT DON’T go out and buy a self help book. Those things just feed your ego saying aww you poor thing its ok that you messed up and you need to come first so don’t worry. You need to simply pick up your Bible! That is the best self help book you will ever get. There are a ton of examples of how to fix correct and train everything in your life. The Bible should be and is your first and last self help book. Will it take time? YES!! Is it worth the effort? Yes!!! However I can guarantee it will be all the difference between you and captivity. So draw a line in the dirt and decide where you stand. I will draw my sword and be ready in the advance charge when called to come through!! I do so hope to see you there.

Storm

Can you hear me call through the rushing wind?

Do you care? Would you lend an ear your time?

Can you hear me call through the bleakness of the storm that threatens to cover me?

Would you help? Would you come to aid?

Do the whispers that surround me turn on the opposite path because your heard a lie?

You simply believed a faulty source.

I know you see me standing against the wind;

I feel your eyes upon me as I call to you;

Yet your pride and fear keep you from what you value..

The life you choose is costing you more than you imagine

As the rain pours down upon the earth my tears fall from my eyes

I know that you are lost to me as a wisp of wind passes through my hand..

Our lives no longer entwined because you choose fear of public ridicule because of a lie rather

Yet I am here in the midst of the storm

waiting

Travis You Changed My Thinking

Image via Wikipedia

I found out yesterday that a young teen had committed suicide. This may be an everyday occurrence in larger towns and cities but here it affects everyone. I did not know the young man. My son did they went to school together. This kind of pain is felt through our entire community and felt through about three cities (although very small). Then students at school are all posting on facebook how they loved and will miss this person now gone forever. There are some not going to school today because of it.

I simply can not fathom how his parents feel. I worry as a mother of a young teen about many things. I never worried about suicide until last night. Although my son says he didn’t really know the other kid and they were not close. My son was very angry and could not understand how some one could do that. Yet this child of 15 years has had a devastating impact on many lives now. His name is Travis. Travis I never personally met but now radiates comments of love and sadness through my internet realm.  Travis I can’t recall seeing but makes me wonder if I will ever know when my son feels the same way. Travis I can’t put a face too but haunts the halls of the school today as many morn for him. This was not a tragic car wreck, or hunting accident. This is so much worse. It affects me so much more.

How can a child (because at 15 I consider you a child) simply take their life? What could cause such loneliness? That is what i was told he was lonely. He wanted friends. Yet, from all appearances (facebook) this kid was so loved. Even teachers are posting that they can not understand.  How will our youth handle this? How do I handle this with my own children?  For some one I never knew you are affecting my life Travis.

Travis, you have opened my eyes. I can see that yes, it happens everywhere, especially here. You have made me more aware of how my children feel not just about things but about themselves. You have made me a more conscientious parent. Travis I thank you for that. However I am deeply saddened at how you did it.  Travis I am sorry I never knew you, but thanks for making more aware of the harsh realities of this life. I will have you family in my prayers. I’m sorry we never met.

Related Articles

• The Challenge of Finding Meaning After A Suicide (yourmindyourbody.org)
• Kevin DeSoto: Suffering in Silence (huffingtonpost.com)
• Understanding Suicide and Suicide Prevention (public-healthcare-issues.suite101.com)
• You: Sleep loss linked to teens’ Suicide Behaviors: study (nation.com.pk)

I ran away from Church

I Ran Away From Church

I ran away from church yesterday. I wanted to just be with God. I ran from the buzzing children. I ran from the giggling teens. I ran from the eyes of adults. I ran from them all. I was filled to brim with anxiety. So I ran away from church.

I simply smiled and nodded as I slipped out the door. I waved at those coming in and turned to the trail just past the parking lot. I followed the trail about half way and stopped. I needed God. I needed the silence without interference. I simply needed time with God with out the eyes of others. I wanted and needed to talk to my father.

Overflowing emotions came from me as I spoke earnestly and without hesitation. I closed my eyes kneeled and prayed on that lone trail that led to the woods. I considered staying there until church was over. I was needed in the worship team. I was needed in Children’s Church to teach. I was needed for the planning party dinner after church. I had already taught the Sunday school children. I was needed in too many places. When all I needed was God.

So I prayed until a peace came. Then I stood and looking very carefully at the world I saw the beauty in that drafty cloudy day. I saw the colors that were panted from field to hilltop. I saw the calm pond, I heard the calls of animals. I began to praise God for all the wonderful things He had given me. As I slowly walked back to the building I was so needed in. I gave my thanks up to God as rain pours from the sky;my thanks poured from my heart. I was strengthened, I was calmed I was His.

To my children

The pills don’t kill the pain,

As the spams start again.

The tears fall silently as I cry,

physical torture why must I?

I have to endure

I’m told there is no cure!

Yet, I cry hidden in room

as the spasms hit BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!

My child walks in seeing a sight

I smile and say “I’ll be alright.”

She come to my side and holds my hand

She smiles and says “I’m now in the band”.

I’m thrilled for her achievement and so sorry ever so sorry

I can’t go and watch, I can barely walk

the pills don’t kill the pain

Yet, joy from my children fall from my eyes like rain.

So another day I endure

You see  there is no cure.

 

Yet my physical pain I make mute

I have Love to contribute!!!!

WHO? Looking Through The Mirror

The Past: not an echo of the future!

A chilling truth-I can choose to let it go or continue to hold my anger within the walls of myself.

Where was I? I was on a road to destruction; self destruction. That was the path I had chosen to walk. I was too young and too angry with the world. I couldn’t look in a mirror with out seeing the tortures I had been through. I could hear the whispers and chanting of horrible things of who I was and what I would be become.

What will I choose? My life had began to change at a point that I am not fully aware of. I began to out grow the hate and anger. I was still very tortured and trying my best to hide behind anything that would stand in front of me. The only thing I wouldn’t hide from is a fight. I loved to fight I felt such freedom when the blows landed either on me or an opponent. I was not a strong person. I was weak and hid from love, from sincerity, from friendship. How can a strong person hide from things that seem so weak? That is the difference. Things of the world fighting and material are the weak things. Things such as love compassion and friendship are the strong things. They take the biggest risks to attain. They hurt the most when things go bad. They require a very strong person; they require forgiveness, acceptance and love.

Who was I? I was a shell of a person living for personal gain. I lived for a fight I ran from acceptance and love. I was a worldly person. I wanted the things that others had. No temptation was too great. I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be of the world. I refused the acceptance and love of others I didn’t need them. I needed things. I was searching earnestly for the next thing that would relieve the pain that would bring me satisfaction. I wanted to be alone and yet I could not find the peace or satisfaction I was looking for. Popularity was a mere game it made me sick. Drugs where so harsh they tried to kill me(without success). Desperation was a mutilation that I could no longer control. Death at this point was a welcome friend that had deserted me. I couldn’t drink enough to feel happy. I couldn’t pass out enough times to forget. The agony of it was that in all aspects of life I could not find who I wanted to be.

The Present: A Gift of Growth

Fascinating Fact: I only stop growing when I am defeated by my own thoughts.

Where am I? I find myself on a lone path of discovery. One I now chose to accept. I have indeed discovered love, acceptance, forgiveness and the seed of who I want to become. This is a long road to walk but I no longer face the dangers of it alone. I have God, my husband, my family, and my extended family those who are my brother’s and sister’s in Christ. First there were baby steps, I fell and at times fall still. I can accept the fact that I am a sinner. I am not perfect nor am I expected to be perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal; it is also a goal designed to set you up for failure. Failure is a very strong foothold to let into your life if you let it take priority over what you have accomplished.

What have I learned? I have learned the truth of God. I have learned to accept things and forgive past grievances. More importantly I have learned to forgive myself. I have learned to take failure as an opportunity to learn not a standard to hold me down in the muck. I have been taught that to love truly love I personally must accept that I have to let me (the true me) be seen. Now this doesn’t mean that I must shout from the roof tops my own sins or what I once was. NO! What I must shout is what I have become. I have become a child of God. I am not perfect and never will be and that in itself is ok. I do strive to let go, I do fall, I do accept responsibility of who I was. I realize it is ok to ask for help not handouts (there is a difference). I can admit when I have been wrong and I have the power through God to change and grow.

So, who am I now? I am a beloved daughter of God. I am a sinner. I am alive and free through Christ Jesus who died for me. I am a mother a daughter a wife, a lover, a doctor, a nurse, a student, a teacher, a child , an adult. I am a good person. I am LOVED!!! I am ACCEPTED!! I am becoming the beautiful creation as I was meant to be. I am finding peace, and I know that the world can only give me temporary things. My Father in heaven can, will, and does provide all I need (even correction). I am a pebble in the pond. Everything I have done has an affect on a person. Every person that I come in contact with is a pebble in my pond. Some are good, some bad. All have an affect on my life my view and at times future actions. I honestly admit I have pebbles that I would love to throw out; but if I did I would no longer be the person I am to become. I am no longer who I was; I am simply a possibility of the future.

My Future: Love and Acceptance

The Heart of the MATTER: I am only a pebble in the pond; but I will not leave the hearts in the world untouched.

Where will I go? That physical course is not set in stone. However, I know that wherever I go I will touch lives. It takes but a moment to touch a life. It takes a lifetime to have those moments add to something meaningfull, and change a course in the world.

What will I do? I will continue to grow in God. I will share HIS love. I will forgive as HE has forgiven me. I will leave a footprint in the sand and make waves of joy in my family. I will live truly live not as the world wants but as My Father has said. I admittedly will fall but I will get back up and I will stand. I will not give up nor accept defeat in the face of enemies for God is on my side and who can stand against me? No one.

Who shall I become? I shall become a strong woman; who upholds the love of God. I will be unafraid of shining. I will be strong enough to show all, I speak to; God’s love, and setting my Lamp upon a table; I will shine for God is the reason I will be who I become. I must remember the goal set forth and continue to grow, to love, accept and learn. Then my moments in other’s lives will be a joy not a sorrow. More importantly I will be me.

~KLK~

Imagination Station: Queen Bella of Kiwiopolous visits.

Back Ground:

So there we all were celebrating our victory over the skullies at Kingsland. When we received a visitor. The children an I all being in the roles what else could I do but invite the Girl Scout Leader to Join in alliance with us against the skullies. Sir Alex did the naming.

Headline from RAINBOW KINGDOM: Queen Bella to Join Forces in ultimate battle!!!

As Sir Alex, the dragon trainer,Princess So’Vonah, Queen Cerebella of mystic Mountain; King Alfron Lee; and Angel were celebrating with a feast at Kingsland for their victory over the skullies; new royalty arrived. Sir Alex having named all participants now walked bravely to the new Queen saying; “We will call you Queen Bella, from where have you came?”

“Oh sir, I thank you in your kindness I have just arrived from Kiwioplolus. I had lost all hope when I saw this house and pulled in. I am so glad to be received by such a valued leader.” Queen Bella then bowed and took a seat watching the festivities.  As the rest of the group surrounded a chocolate cake and dished out ice cream I explained to the Queen about our recent battle. The queen being a very easy going person took this all in stride and smiled knowingly at me.

After the festivities died down and Queen Bella was a bout to leave Sir Alex came running in with the young Queen Cerebella. “Princess So’Vonah” he bellowed to wake the dead. “THEY ARE HERE AGAIN!!!!!”

I rose from my chair and joined them at the door. Sir Alex pointed in the distance, “See the the skullies are coming back they was hiding behind that mountain!!!”

“Yes, Princess, I saw them on my way back from… from… from.. Sellcore where I and Alex went to buy some enchanted dragon boots that allow me to fly and him to jump higher than even a dragon!!!! Then we saw ’em.. and they are armed to the teeth what should we do there is no time to raise the castle!!!” came the high pitched urgent voice of Queen Cerebella.

“I will call King Spirit and he will come with our army from Kiwioplolus!!” joyously replied Queen Bella.

Queen Cerebella, and Sir Alex ran to fetch their dragons. Queen Bella called King Spirit who in turn beat the skullies to Kingsland by flying on the backs of huge griffins. We poured all our hearts into arming all the elves and dwarves.  We were ready for a clash and slash battle as the skullies penetrated the fortress walls. SaxSax sang as the Sir Alex lead the dragons once again into battle.  The cries of our brave warriors carried on for thirty minutes. We did not stop until every skullie had been killed.

Then the songs of rejoicing began and once again our kingdom was safe. Queen Bella had to leave and could not attend that evening celebration. There was pork steaks and mashed potatoes for dinner. There was laughter and cake as the returning Queen of Kingsland had returned with the King from a far away voyage. With happy hearts and full bellies the people of Rainbow Kingdom retired for the night.

Characters:

Princess So’Vonah-myself

Sir Alex-my 5 yr.old son

King Alfron Lee-my 13 yr.old son

Queen Cerebella-my 11 yr. old daughter

Angel-my 7 yr. old son

Queen and King of Kingsland-Grandma, and Poppa

Queen Bella- The GirlScout Leader. (woot woot) thanks for joining us in our adventure.

King Spirit- Queen Bella husband although unavailable for personal appearance was with us in spirit

Imagination Station

Background:

My youngest son and I often travel to new worlds without leaving our house. We venture through deep and mysterious woods (behind our house); we cross fast running rivers  (a small creek 1/2 a mile from the house); we also include other characters(family members and guests that visit) in our adventures. All of our adventures include two main characters Sir Alex, the dragon trainer; and Princess So’Vonah of Rainbow Kingdom. My young son choose those names when he was three and “TOO BIG” to take naps any more. He is now five years old. We don’t play often anymore due to the simple fact he is growing up and in school all day now. However yesterday we got to have our adventure. IMPORTANT: all aspects of this story are lived out in our house using everyday objects and a really amazing imagination.

Sir Alex’s Adventure: or Attack of the Skullies

Princess So’Vonah sat at her desk viewing the magic mirror; when young Alex came rushing in.  “Princess So’Vonah the Skullies are here they are coming up the mountain.”

“Sir Alex are you sure? Have you called the chimer to warn the elves and dwarfs?” Princess So’Vonah turned and looked at the young dragon trainer trying to read all this new attack would involve.

“Yes, I have.” Sir Alex stated calmly; “I have alerted King Alfron Lee of the Southern Sea, asking for his assistance. I also called the Dragons in.They are hiding in the mountain fortress but their magic is low and they need to be recharged. Have you Princess So’Vonah fixed the wind-tunnel so that we can fill them with new magic?”

“Yes I have. But the wind tunnel needs to be turned to bring in the clean magic and charge all the dragons of Rainbow Kingdom. Angel help Sir Alex to turn the Wind Tunnel.” Princess So’Vonah went to the chest to pull out the enchanted sword SAXSAX for Sir Alex. The sword had been hidden there since Sir Alec had fought with Angel in the Sanctuary.

When She returned Alex and Angel had the wind-tunnel up and running. The enchantment had began to work its magic and was infusing the air the to recharge the the dragons and the enchanted sword. Time was fortunately on our side.

“I’ll put up the drawbridge and turn the big lights off so they won’t see us.”Sir Alex said. He then ran to the control panel and began to push buttons to turn on the drawbridge and the lights off and bring the mirror shields up. This was done in time to raise Castle Cloud from the ground and leave the Skullies lost looking into the images from the mirror shields.

Soon all the dragons had been enchanted to full strength and our fight began simply with an aerial attack lead by Sir Alex. “Lead on Dreamweaver; call our friends to aid. Down with the skullies!!” shouted Sir Alex.

Meanwhile in Castle Cloud Princess So’Vonah answered Chimers call and began to arm for the battle that she would lead from the ground. Lowering Castle Cloud and sneaking through the mirror shields; she lead the elves and dwarves into the enemy camp. They were soon joined in battle by Sir Alex and the dragons.  The sounds of battle carried through the woods as Rainbow Kingdom’s finest pushed the skullies back to the Southern Seas.

The skullies where surrounded as King Alfron Lee came from behind to the aid of Rainbow Kingdom. As the sunset a green aura covered the fields and the skullies completely obliterated. With no one left to fight Sir Alex, Angel, King Alfron Lee and Princess So’Vonah decided to retire and celebrate in the morning at Kingsland with fresh egg pie.

Glossary of terms: in order as used in play.

Princess So’Vonah-Me

magic mirror-computer and internet

skullies-imaginary enemy from darkheart kingdom usually tall weeds or posts

chimer-alarm clock (you set it to go off) when it goes off there has been an attack in the kingdom.

elves/dwarves- all our animals dogs cats mini-horses.

Sir Alex-my 5 yr old son

King Alfron Lee-my 13 yr old son

Dragon’s-invisable when in the house they are the bikes when outside.

Wind-Tunnel- infusing power; a box fan turned on blows in a breeze to charge the dragons with good, turned around to remove the evil from the castle.

Rainbow Kingdom- the 2 acres of land we live on.

Angel-my 7 year old son

Chest-dresser

SAXSAX-play sword

Sanctuary-the fenced in area or the yard

Drawbridge-Porch door

Big lights-Overhead lights

Control panel-imaginary keyboard on the wall.

Castle cloud-our house

Kingsland-parents house

Southern Sea-creek half mile from the house.

Mirror shields-pretend shields that when raised make it look as if you are just seeing the woods makes the castle and everything completely hidden

Woods-pasture filled with trees.

Mountain-slight incline of a hill our driveway comes up.

Mountain Fortress-the old barn

Green Aura-fog added with the imagination of color

Tears

In the stillness of night;

I ponder and the words take flight,

They float they flutter and hover about

Hopes..Dreams;Fears..Tears a life without.

 

My Father I cry.. I plead.. I beg.. I sing..

YES I sing. Carrying all I have to bring;

My thankfulness.. My trust.. My love.. My Pain..

A prayer to God Falls from my lips like rain..

 

A saturating rain overflowing my soul . my heart..

A child with such a painful, angry hateful start;

My Hope I lay with my Dreams. I do not CRY!

I send them on the on the wings of a butterfly.

 

A calming peace surrounds me holds me tight.

Hushed sounds whisper a smoothly “it’s all right”

I hear my heart jump making an irregular thump;

Not of terror or fight; Yet, joy and peace slight bump.

 

A calling to my soul, a brush upon my hair,

HE”S here and wipes away the tears HE is  Strong enough to bear.

All the problems of my world are so small;

When placed in HIS loving hands I stand TALL.

~KLK~